Georgia Family Law Blog

IS YOUR SPOUSE CHEATING ON YOU? Top 9 Clues

Integrity Security & Investigation Services, Inc. (@isis2020 on twitter), has posted some key indicators that a spouse MAY be cheating on their blog in a great article.

If any of the following occurs or if your spouse utters these phrases, warning bells should go off and you should consider hiring a private investigator:

1. “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some very skewed thinking.

2. “We are just friends.”

This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new “friend” then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it’s a big warning sign and one you should take seriously.

3. A sudden need for privacy.

If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign!

4. “I need some space to figure my feelings for you.”

Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom.

5. Regular work habits change.

Working late, going to work at odd hours or, putting in more time than is normal on work related issues can be indications that a spouse is cheating.

6. Spending a large amount of time on the computer.

In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.

If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed.

7. Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone.

Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records.

8. Behavior that just doesn’t add up.

Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can’t explain. Money that isn’t accounted for. Receipts for things you don’t have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

9. Your Own fears and suspicions

If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse’s behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you’ve found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also. Maybe you want to consider hiring a Private Investigator to collect the proof for you?

Facebook and flirting: the dangers of divorce

Social networking sites, such as Facebook, Bebo and MySpace, are the latest phenomenon with millions of people enjoying catching up with old friends or making new ones. But lawyers are already predicting that the sites will be the next tool to be used in divorce proceedings and that the first 'Facebook divorce' is not far away.

Currently, over 13.7 million people in the UK use these sites regularly. Many who enjoy flirtatious emails and conversations with people, who are not their partners, are often lulled into a false sense of security that they are not doing anything wrong because they are only flirting electronically, and they don't consider it to be as harmful as flirting in real life.

But even if a physical relationship hasn't occurred, these emails can be used in divorce proceedings and although the person on Facebook may have thought them to be harmless, the aggrieved party can use saucy messages in a divorce court to prove unreasonable behaviour.

Antonia Love, head of family law and partner at Farleys, says, "It is probable that electronic evidence will not lead to a huge rise in divorce figures but it may certainly make a lawyer's job easier as people are a lot less careful about what they write in emails than what they write down on paper."

In the US a new survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has found that there has been an 88 per cent increase in the number of divorce cases using electronic data as evidence.

In the small print of most of the biggest social networking sites it states that, in some cases, if legal standards are met, user information can be passed on to law enforcement agencies and legal teams involved in civil disputes, divorces and employment actions.

In a recent case involving social networking sites a man, from Newport Pagnell, who had been ordered by magistrates not to contact his estranged wife, was jailed for ten days when he joined Facebook and an automatic "friend request" was sent to all the people on his email contact list, including his ex-wife.

A spokesman for Relate, the counselling service, in the UK said that because social networking sites are a new phenomenon it's too early to judge whether they are a problem. But computer companies are already preparing to cash in by bringing out software which a suspicious husband or wife can load on to a computer so that they can spy on all email sent to and from their spouse.

SOURCE: MSN Money in an article by Jane Bell

Related Posts:

Law evolving as divorces drag in digital evidence

Is a virtual affair real-world infidelity?

High-Tech Evidence: A Lawyer's Friend or Foe?

Tell-All PCs and Phones Transforming Divorce

Beyond Googling

Social Networking Sites are a Treasure Trove Of Information

In a divorce, your electronic musings can end up in front of the judge

Nation's Top Divorce Lawyers Note Dramatic Rise in Electronic Evidence

Suspect your Spouse is Cheating? Get a Parrot.

If I didn’t read about it in three different cases, I would have never believed it. Apparently over history, the pet parrot has been a key witness in proving unfaithfulness and abuse in marriage:

November 19, 1937: According to the LA Times, Mr. James J. Reynolds wanted to put his parrot on the stand to testify concerning its knowledge of the domestic affairs of him and his wife by showing that the bird had learned to call Reynolds certain abusive names and that the bird’s teacher could have been none other than Mrs. Reynolds. Superior Judge Brand, however, refused to allow a parrot to testify declaring the procedure was a little too irregular in that the parrot probably could not be placed under oath and furthermore probably could not recall who had taught it anything it might have learned.”

November 28, 2005: Frank Ficker of Freiburg (try saying that five times straight) thought he had it all: successful wife, nice home, and a mistress on the side. But the family parrot, a pro at imitating Frank, spilled the beans on his cheating ways. That’s how Mrs. Ficker found out about her husband’s affair with a woman named Uta. “Hugo always liked to mimic Frank and he could do his voice perfectly,” said his wife. But one day Mrs. Ficker heard the bird repeating something she’d never heard before. “I heard him doing Frank’s voice, but saying ‘Uta, Uta,’” she said. According to DW-World, the unfamiliar word got the wife searching their house where she eventually came across two plane tickets to Paris, one for Frank, another for Uta (who was, evidently, the other woman.) “I kicked him straight out,” she said. “It’s just me and my parrot now.” Divorce proceedings are pending.

February 27, 2006: Argentina - Angry wife Rosella DeGambos got her blabbermouth parrot Bozo to testify in court, who then spilled all the family secrets within a two-hour appearance. “I knew he’d seen everything that my husband Carlos did when my back was turned,” Mrs. DeGambos said in an interview about her bizarre divorce court ploy. “And I knew he had the vocabulary to describe what he’d witnessed. According to Nature’s Corner, the parrot described three “pretty dollies” that Carlos had “tickled” while his wife was away. He also identified the women in photographs, calling them by their correct names. “I used to think that Carlos was a faithful husband but Bozo let me know about a year ago that something was up when I wasn’t home,” Mrs. DeGambos said. “He was using new words, words of love. And he began giggling in a high-pitched feminine voice. He kept saying, “No Carlos, not here,” and things like that. I knew if the lawyers could get him to testify, there was plenty of information they could get from him.” Shown one picture of the 23-year-old beautician Carlos allegedly wooed in his home, the bird shrieked, “Honeybun, I love you.” When Mrs. DeGambos’ attorney asked the bird, “Who loves Carlos?” the winged witness said, “Ruby loves Carlos, Ruby loves her baby.” Coincidently, Ruby is DeGambos’ young and voluptuous secretary. Judge Agusto, let Bozo’s testimony stand and granted the Mrs. her divorce. The first such ruling in the world.

Either way, it’ll be pretty easy to determine who gets to keep the parrot…

SOURCE: Darn Divorce

Potential Liability From Hiring a Private Investigator

Fellow blogger Dan Nunley at the Oklahoma Family Law Blog has the following wise cautionary observations on  the use of private investigators, as related in our posting of Alabama Family Law Blog's message on the subject:

Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog encouraged those suspecting their spouses of infidelity to consider hiring a private investigator. While most states including Oklahoma no longer make fault a prerequisite of divorce, establishing fault (such as adultery) can benefit a spouse when it comes to decisions such as custody and property division. And some spouses hire a private investigator for just such reasons.

However, truth be told, most private investigators are retained to uncover evidence of unfaithfulness simply because the innocent spouse has been hurt and now wants at a minimum, verification of the betrayal, and as a matter of principal, payback or revenge. But the innocent spouse needs to proceed carefully, because improper surveillance tactics on the part of the investigator could very likely boomerang causing the innocent spouse to now be liable to the cheating spouse.

There are strict state and federal laws regarding the use of surveillance equipment such as listening devices which allow you to eavesdrop on another person, hidden cameras which let you view the activities of others without their knowledge, GPS tracking devices which allow you to monitor the location of someone's vehicle, and other gadgets or software installed on someone else's computer to monitor their internet activities.

So a word to the wise would be "CAUTION".  Proceed with caution when contemplating spying on your spouse.

Why your next affair may be online

Elissa*, 43, is married with two school-age children, and loves the internet. She catches up on surplus office work via the home computer, regularly emails relatives interstate and, just to relieve the suburban boredom, shuffles time spent on eBay with about an hour every few weeks having cybersex in adult chat rooms.

She often accesses them via online dating websites such as redhotpie.com and adultmatchmaker.com.au, which each boast memberships in the hundreds of thousands. Although they primarily act as online dating services, they also offer the forum to "meet" likeminded people who are happy to keep their fantasies purely on the internet.

In the seamy online world she occasionally inhabits, Elissa has had a threesome in a Paris hotel room, been watched by a taxi driver as she was ravished by an enthusiastic young work colleague in the back seat of a cab en route to a business meeting, and performed a sexy strip for a room full of strangers at a lap-dancing club. Her list of more sedate, "bedroom-based" online flings numbers in the dozens.

"If my husband knew, I don't think he'd like it," Elissa says of her cybersex dalliances away from her husband of 14 years. "He'd feel like I'd been cheating on him."

Online affairs

Is your partner having an affair with someone over the Internet? With the unhindered growth in dating sites, chatrooms and message boards, online affairs are becoming increasingly common in today's Internet-driven era. What's more, they can be just as destructive to your relationship as having a physical affair is.

Most people who have online affairs actually start off with no intention of having an affair. Typically, it develops as a product of circumstances when two people get chatting on a message board or in a chatroom, both presenting their virtual alter egos to one another. In this virtual world communication barriers are removed. People become less inhibited in what they say to each other, as they feel they have relative anonymity when hidden behind a keyboard and monitor. This brings out a more flirtatious side in people, and it is at this point that an online affair can very easily take hold.

To stay or stray? Crimes of opportunity

For those who worry about infidelity, there is good news to be found in the MSNBC.com/iVillage Lust, Love & Loyalty survey. Bed hopping is not as common as we think, and a big reason why more people aren’t wandering is that we love our boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses.

But no matter how loving and well-intentioned we are, some people do stray — 22 percent of survey takers in monogamous relationships say they've cheated on their current partner.

The survey backs up earlier research that shows, despite a persistent belief that many more people are cheating, the infidelity rate usually hovers around 25 percent over the course of a relationship, says Adrian Blow, a marriage and family therapist and assistant professor at Michigan State University.

The survey also shows there is no one type of cheater. Young or old, married or living together, kids or no kids, assorted relationships show similar rates of infidelity. In that sense, "everyone is vulnerable," Blow says.

Why even a strong marriage might be susceptible is partly illustrated by another of the survey’s results. People do not tend to cheat with strangers. By far, most paramours are found among the ranks of friends and co-workers.

"If someone has a great marriage, but some hot opportunity comes along, like a colleague you are attracted to, you can be vulnerable," Blow says.

Infidelity, to borrow cop talk, is often a crime of opportunity.

Is a virtual affair real-world infidelity?

Or are in-game chats and animated sex just harmless experiments?

Sam had met someone, and it was getting serious.

It started out as a friendship, as many relationships do. But gradually Sam's feelings for Kat, a beautiful, smart and confident woman, had turned romantic.

Hang on — there’s a catch. Sam and Kat met in the virtual world Second Life. And although they shared all kinds of intimacies in Second Life, the real people have never laid eyes on each other.

That didn’t seem to matter to Sam. He fell pretty hard for his avatar sweetie. They bonded intellectually, emotionally, and yes, thanks to Second Life animations, even physically.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Unlike his avatar, which is female, in real life, Sam is a man. A married man. And the person behind the blonde, curvaceous Kat? Married. And, quite possibly, a man, too.

(As you might imagine, some people interviewed for this story did not want to reveal their full names. Some gave us their avatar names, while others went with pseudonyms.)

Why Affairs Cause Heartache

If you've been tempted to stray, you may not be concerned with why affairs cause heartache.  After all, it feels so good to have someone lavishing attention on you and making you feel like you're someone special.  This can be very tempting, especially when your significant other doesn't even seem to give you the time of day. 

But before you step over the line, you need to consider some reasons on why you shouldn't have an affair.  First of all, if you are thinking about getting a divorce, or if your affair leads to divorce, you have put yourself in a bad position.  The discovery of an affair tends to make spouses combative during divorce proceedings, and can also impact a judges decision on custody and property settlement.

Another important consideration is the impact that an affair can have on your integrity and self esteem.  The article below makes some really good points on why affairs cause heartache, especially from a woman's point of view.

Spying on a Cheating Spouse

3 Legitimate Motives for Spying on Your Cheating Spouse

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse.  The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are three:

• Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it!

  To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil.  If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!  Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

• Spying on cheating husbands often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

• Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.

You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

Preventing Online Infidelity and Internet Affairs

Internet infidelity isn't about innocent games or what you have been led to believe by your spouse.  The not-so-innocent seekers like the net because it is safe, anonymous and its very thrilling.  You know this too, so don't let this intrusion slip by.  Why do you think you are feeling so betrayed?

You must take control of your situation as fast as possible.  Don't let the situation slide.  Sure you can install the spy software on your computer and monitor your spouse but is this the way you want to live?   Internet infidelity is a very addicting behavior that can destroy your marriage quickly.

Internet Infidelity Prevention Guidelines

• Admit there is a problem affecting your relationship with the internet activities and discuss them with your spouse.  Convey to your spouse how you exactly feel.
• Move the computer into a public place where you are likely to be i.e. the corner of your living room, set up a small desk.
• Utilize the internet NOW for only important usage -- If they have to be on the net for banking, etc. stay in the same room with them.
• Get them involved in real life physical activities outdoors or hobbies and reading.  Find a replacement for the net activities such as playing games, cards, etc.  Remember they are an addict so you will have to find them fun ideas for replacement.
• Don't let them use the internet when they are feeling uncomfortable, stressed, irritated, mad or sad about something happening in their life.
• Get them off the net as soon as possible.

Nurture their success and pat them on the back.  Keep in mind they have to want to change their behavior so that you are able to trust them again.  Do they understand how it began, became a problem in the first place and what they did was such a problem to you? They have to totally accept what they have done and take ownership for the damage they have caused.  Get your partner to come to an agreement about this issue and hold up to their end of the deal.

SOURCE: WomansDivorce.com

10 Clues of an Online Affair

Written by: Bill Mitchell
Seven Day Detective

Its obvious online affairs are prevalent today so what can you do?  This epidemic is causing the breakup of countless marriages.  How do you know if your spouse is violating the marriage vows by carrying out an online affair?  Let's look at typical indicators I personally discovered while investigating affairs.  If your marriage is in trouble these clues will help you be the judge.  Caution:  These clues are not confirmation of affair just feasible indicators for you take into account.

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line.  Who doesn't use a computer today?  I know a few people.  They are excellent for paying bills, staying in touch with family, friends, customers, finding street locations, and a host of other productive endeavors.  We can not live without them and shudder when a lighting storm threaten our usage.  Just look at kids and their instant messaging.  They will go without dinner just to keep in touch with their circle of friends.  Try to pull them away, it's no easy task.  Does your spouse resemble your kid's magnetism to the computer?  Discover why this need is so powerful before it's too late. 
2. Passwords, instant message "buddy lists", internet email accounts and emails are concealed - even protected from you!  Do you find your spouse needing his "own space" at the computer?  Is there a real reluctance when you ask to know his passwords?  What's there to hide?  These questions all have obvious answers.  The act of hiding information is deceptive by nature.  Of course, those of us who have worked in "Corporate America" understand the need to protect company secrets.  But what legitimate "family secret" are we hiding?  Listen, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it fulfills a direct need they demonstrate.  Why?  You are like the judge, referee, or source of authority creating that "sense of accountability" over them.  Furthermore, they are breaking matrimonial law if committing adultery.  There is, in many courts, a price to pay! 
3. Computer use after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night.  Have you been awaken by the absence of your spouse at night and found him at the computer?  If this behavior becomes a pattern you certainly need to be concerned.  While work demands a sense of commitment and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.
4. Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach.  This is panic and unexplainable behavior.  The rationalization is "when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don't get caught."  This foolish act is also called a "computer crash" and has the potential of damaging both hardware and software.  The loss of files occurs when a computer is cut off abruptly.  Many spouses have reported this behavior just prior to hiring us.  We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behavior.  Now, bear in mind your spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal.  This may explain the need for panic. 
5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight.  The study of body language has become useful to many investigators, especially those of us who administer lie detection examinations.  An obvious sign of deception and a common mistake the cheater make is blocking your view.  They need the time to clear a screen, turn off the monitor, or change to another internet page when threatened with exposure.  Intentionally turning the monitor or laptop away from view is an indicator they don't want you to see something.  Over time this act develops into a habit and confers greater freedom from detection.  In most instances, having the lead time to hide the truth from you is all they need. 
6. Clears all internet history after chat sessions, usage or installs software to automatically rid this information.  There are times when a computer becomes filled with unwanted files.  Computers run faster when less "temporary" files use up valuable "ram memory."  This is prudent maintenance for any computer user.  What I am referring to in this sign is the repeated habit of purposefully clearing information from discovery.  While this information is retrievable through the science of Computer Forensics, you won't find it readily available.  On the market now is software that actually helps the cheater.  The actual purpose of this new software tool is to hide any trace of computer internet usage.  Do you find this a little suspicious?  I do. 
7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop.  "When are you coming to bed?"  "We really need to go, now, what's taking so long?"  "Can't you do that later?"  Have you asked these types of questions?  Teenagers often become "obsessed" with instant messaging.  If you have kids who use the computer, you know.  They have trouble walking away from the PC.  This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm.  A compulsive, defensive pattern of behavior shows a strong need to continue.  You need to know why. 
8. Shares personal information, photos or events with strangers in emails, chat-rooms or while instant messaging.  Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace.  Kids love to fill them up and share with friends on the buddy list.  I've witnessed spouses who send nude pictures of themselves over the internet.  They share very personal information that should be reserved to the marital home.  Maybe it's time to track this information with software that collects this data.  Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence.  It's advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand! 
   
   BLOG EDITOR'S WARNING: IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION ABOUT THE LEGALITY OF THIS SOFTWARE IN YOUR STATE, SPEAK WITH A FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY BEFORE YOU ACT OR YOU MAY BE IN VIOLATION OF FEDERAL OR STATE CRIMINAL LAWS!!!
9. Plays online games and frequents "personals" chat-rooms.  This is where it starts.  Play a few games, win or loss but then we need to chat.  Well if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse?  You can't, so why do it? 
10. Exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in "The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship."  Thirty plus years of investigative experience is poured into this new release.  It's a "must have" resource guide for every woman's personal library.

SOURCE: WomansDivorce.com

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

These tips come from by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, of the Website: Break Free From the Affair:

Some of these signs of cheating are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell-tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife.

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

Understanding the Causes of Marital Affairs

Most people think that affairs are about steamy sexual encounters. You will be surprised to find out that they are not!!

What is it about finding out that your partner is having an affair that unlocks the floodgates of emotion; emotions so strong and intense that they seem foreign and often disturbing even to those who experience them? Most would say it's the betrayal, the deception and the humiliation that catapults them into an emotional abyss where feelings of despair and sadness alternate with feelings of anger and rage.

And even when the shock subsides, the focus of people's thoughts remains on the sexual act mainly because it exemplifies the violation of a sacred trust between two people who have made a commitment to each other.

Is it an uncontrollable sex drive, weak mindedness or too much to drink that leads a person into the arms of another?  This question is asked many times by those who struggle to make sense of "why did he (or she) do it?" And while it is deserving of an answer, it behooves the person asking the question to consider that extramarital affairs have less to do with sex and more to do with unmet needs. This is not to minimize the gravity of what has occurred or down playing the pain caused by the partner who has gone outside the relationship. Instead, it is meant to point out that the dynamics of an affair, especially those with a history, are complex and go far beyond the sexual act.

Affairs & Divorce: Getting Back on Your Feet

You may have survived the most shocking stages of the betrayal but your journey is far from over. This is crunch time. Will you leave your pain behind and use the affair for growth, or will the affair subdue your spirit permanently?

You have options:

1. You chose.
2. He or she chooses.
3. It's a joint decision.
4. Life chooses for you.

Although right now it sounds trite, every crisis provides an opportunity for growth and development. Time is on your side. At best you can stay calm, cool and collected. Set up a flexible blueprint, a plan to guide you through these final stages. Choose those who can assist you with great care. Family and friends want to be helpful but are useless or worse. They often add to the problem with their "advice" which most often consists of coaching you to leave.

SOURCEL DivorceSource

Affairs & Divorce: Types of Affairs

There are three types of affairs:

1) The bridge affair;
2) the self-serving affair; and
3) the repair affair.

Bridge: The bridge affair is a bridge out of the marriage-the death of the marital relationship. The purpose finding a new partner is to leave the marriage while avoiding the confrontation of marital problems. When your partner is having a bridge affair you will notice, if you let yourself, a change in your partner's attitude. If you confront the person at this stage, either you will be targeted as the problem or he or she will lie or deny anything and everything, which will confuse, confound and temporarily help you to deny your intuition and suspicions. Meanwhile, the betrayer is readying for a transition out of the relationship.

Self-serving: Self-serving affairs are characteristic of individuals who are shallow, untrustworthy, and unable to commit. They do not seek out committed relationships, they are philanderers. They proceed from one light-hearted tryst to another, whistling, enjoying themselves and their risk taking while proclaiming interest in remaining married. They are always looking for a new adventure. Infidelity is their way of life. Living with a philanderer is demeaning, diminishing, and damaging to self-esteem and the soul. If your partner has been involved in more than one affair, consider that this may be their permanent pattern and act accordingly.

Repair affair: A repair affair is meant to fix the marriage and can lead to solutions of marital difficulties. The dissatisfied partner feels helpless, hopeless, and unable to get the partner's attention or the change they desire. An affair is a convoluted solution to a marital dissatisfaction but it does get attention.

Why would such indirect and harmful means to repairing a relationship be necessary? In relationships people become sloppy in their treatment of each other. They can be disregarding, demanding, disrespecting, and treat their partners as if they needed no care. An affair alerts the partners that loss of the relationship is imminent. At this point, both parties may be ready for some serious work on their marriage. Together they can re-focus on the real issues. Repair affairs are opportunities for expanding, improving and developing relationships although they often misfire and end in divorce.

SOURCE: DivorceSource

Affairs & Divorce: Uncovering Deception

As quickly as you suspect a lie, set up a plan of action to free your mind by collecting and evaluating evidence. Check out opposite sex contacts: 1) Unexplained breakfasts, lunches or dinners, coffee meetings; 2) Home or hotel visits; 3) Cards or letters; 4) Suspicious phone calls; 5) Any clue that your spouse has been walking, talking, keeping company with an inappropriate person. Do not leap to conclusions; carefully accumulate evidence.

Remember, silence is golden. At this point do not confront your partner. Confrontations based on suspicions, intuition and distortions are unproductive. You need facts. Confronting the other person with insufficient evidence is unproductive and counter-productive. Betrayers are likely to do what almost everyone does that is having an affair: They lie and level accusations at the accuser. Moreover, if you are certain that there is an affair, it is not always best to confront the person with the evidence. It might drive then directly and prematurely into the arms of the waiting paramour. What you must cultivate is self-control.

Gaining Control

Affairs produce wild, crazy emotions, mental instability and detrimental actions. Strength lies in taking control of your self. You will likely go through three stages:

1. Fugue, in which you are in shock, living on the emotional edge; chaos reigns in heart and soul.

2. Ambivalence sets in and you feel that you both hate and want the relationship with the betrayer;

3. Clarity at which time you see your future and know which actions to take. Your job throughout this ordeal is to avoid allowing emotions to rule your actions. Use your informed intellect to save you and your family grief while managing a devastating experience. It is highly recommended that you have a trusted, wise counselor during these times. Avoid using friends and family members or others who will go along with your anger and hurt or their own programs.

SOURCE: DivorceSource

Affairs & Divorce: How to Manage Your Partners Affair

While an affair constitutes the most devastating event for a relationship short of death, there are two potential positive outcomes:

A. Reconciliation can lead to a significantly stronger relationship, or

B. the fatal weakness in the marriage can be dealt with so that everyone's losses are reduced.

The depth of trauma produced by your loved one's affair betrayal is mind and life altering. Affair stress impairs judgment, crushes the soul, undermines self-esteem, threatens the future and sickens the body. When this happens, it is necessary to manage your emotions as well as controlling and promoting beneficial rather than destructive reactions.

Specifically, consider the following three steps:

1. Don't take any action until you've decided what is in your best interests.

2. Identify and set your goals. Act in ways that leave your options open but preserve your best interests. You need a plan to proceed cautiously and carefully without turning a serious problem into a disaster.

3. Take charge of yourself by using these Do's and Don'ts as a guide:

a. Do consult a family law attorney.
b. Don't make threats about taking legal action.

a. Do keep your own counsel.
b. Don't confront your partner.

a. Do manage your anger and negative feelings.
b. Don't let powerful emotions overwhelm you.

a. Do think before talking
b. Don't tell the children

a. Do consider your intentions
b. Don't follow your impulses

a. Do maintain your integrity
b. Don't try to please the perpetrator

a. Do have patience
b. Don't expose the affair unless it's to your advantage

a. Do keep silent
b. Don't contact the spouse or the other party

a. Do act in your best interest
b. Don't call your partner's employer

a. Do take charge of circular thinking
b. Don't drive yourself crazy asking "why?"

a. Do act with dignity
b. Don't physically or verbally assault the betrayer

SOURCE: DivorceSource

Affairs & Divorce: Possible Good From an Affair?

1. Give thanks that you now know what is going on in your life; you are no longer in the dark.

2. Your partner's behavior allows you to see that person in new, if unpleasant ways.

3. Some affairs are intended to compensate for things that are missing in the marriage. An affair can represent an indirect and clumsy effort to signal the partner that all is not well in the relationship. If this is the case, the betrayed party can newly assess the marriage and set up more direct communication for any future marital issues.

4. One party does not cause the other to act out in any particular way, such as violating the marital vows, but this terrible event can lead one to reexamine who they are and who they really want to be. Just because the other person has been terribly inappropriate does not mean that the victimized party is therefore perfect and should not take this as opportunity to reassess their own condition.

5. If there are problems in the relationship that can be fixed and that one wants to repair, it is better for all family members that this is discovered as soon as possible.

6. If the discovery of an affair means that one carefully decides to end the marriage, the sooner this the better. Why live a lie? And why live a lie for a longer period than necessary?

SOURCE: DivorceSource

Affairs & Divorce - An Overview

Affairs are devastating to the trust that is the foundation of relationships. The person having the affair under appreciates its effects while the victim of the affair virtually goes into shock. Infidelity is usually the beginning of the end of any possibility for a quality relationship but it does not have to be that way. Sometimes an affair can lead to an enhanced marriage.

SOURCE: DivorceSource

Hiring a Private Investigator for Your Divorce, Child Custody, or Visitation Case

Certain divorces or other family cases can benefit from the use of a private investigator.  Investigators can be very helpful in obtaining documentation regarding lifestyle, assets, income, roomates, friends, paramour and parents, including their criminal history, work history, demonstrating hidden affluence, locating and interviewing witnessess, and obtaining information regarding abuse or neglect.

The best way to select and hire an investigator is to find someone referred to you by a lawyer.  You can also look in the yellow pages, and remember that these investigators typically do more family work.  You should insist on an investigator who is licensed by the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division.  Beyond that, there are several advanced certifications which may distinguish one investigator from another, such as the national designation of Professional Licensed Investigator (PLI) or Certified Legal Investigator (CLI).

When hiring a private investigator, costs are always a consideration.  Costs for a private investigator in South Carolina can vary widely, but they are typically in the $50 to $75 per hour range.  You have the right to a written contract at the time you are contracting the service.  The average for an infidelity surveillance typically run about $1,500 to $2,500 to have a real chance of likely success.

In every family law case, whether divorce or child custody/visitation case, there are issues of both law and fact.  Private investigators can help make the facts become clearer.  Solid, verifyable facts can affect the outcome of cases. Even the greatest attorney in the world wants facts on their side, and hiring a private investigator may be the best way to get those facts brought to light.

Source:  This article was adapted from the article "Hiring a Private Investigator For Your Texas Divorce or Texas Family Law Case" by Sean Y. Palmer, published at his Texas Family Law Resource blog.

SOURCE FOR POST: South Carolina Family Law Blog

As Cheaters Juggle Valentines, Private Eyes Work Overtime; The Feb. 14 'Business Trip'

The following article by Nancy Keates appeared in The Wall Street Journal for last year's Valentine's Day:

It was the Valentine's Day card that finally cracked the case for private detective Art League.

Mr. League had been trying for weeks to catch a client's husband cheating, but it wasn't until Feb. 14 that the evidence surfaced. After tailing the man to an office parking lot, Mr. League spied him placing a card on another car before driving away. Mr. League swiped the card -- which was festooned with hearts and professed true love -- and surreptitiously videotaped the woman who later showed up frantically looking for it. He presented the card and the video to his client, and the case was closed.

"It's a good holiday for business," Mr. League says. The Greensboro, N.C., gumshoe has already scheduled five infidelity investigations for Tuesday, and plans to add two part-time sleuths to his staff of four to handle the demand.

Valentine's Day is the biggest single 24-hour period for florists, a huge event for greeting-card companies and a boon for candy makers. But it's also a major crisis day for anyone who is having an affair. After all, Valentine's Day is the one holiday when everyone is expected to do something romantic for their spouse or lover -- and if someone has both, it's a serious problem.

"If anything is going on, it will be happening on that day," says Irene Smith, who says business at her Discreet Investigations detective agency in Golden, Colo., as much as doubles -- to as many as 12 cases some years -- on Valentine's Day.

Two-timing valentines give private eyes a field day

The following is an article by Saeed Ahmed inThe Atlanta Journal-Constitution published on: 02/12/07:

Careless love: On Feb. 14, some unfaithful spouses will try to have it both ways, to keep everybody happy. But Cupid's arrow may not be the only thing pointed their way.

Every Valentine's Day, Jeanene Weiner, a mother of two, hops into her Mercedes and goes trolling for married men who don't mind cheating on their wives.

She sits across from them at restaurants or coffee shops and eyes them carefully —- recording their every move with a camera hidden in her coat button or tucked into the spine of a hardcover.

Weiner, 44, is a private investigator. And those in her profession say there's no better day to dig up dirt on philandering spouses than Valentine's Day.

It's the one day of the year when a man who's having an affair is expected to do something romantic for both his wife and his girlfriend.

So, like flower shops and restaurants, jewelry stores and greeting card companies, sleuths such as Weiner will be busy Wednesday, trying to catch the juggling acts on tape.

There are about 60,000 private investigators in the United States, including more than 1,500 licensed in Georgia. While they handle varied cases, including child custody battles and background checks, investigators say more than half their business comes from suspicious spouses who want their significant others tailed.

Hearts, flowers, spying

And Feb. 14, these investigators joke, is their Super Bowl of Surveillance.

"Eighty percent of cheating spouses will try to spend part of the day with the other person," said Jimmie Mesis, editor of the trade journal PI Magazine.

Ruth Houston —- founder of infidelityadvice.com and author of "Is He Cheating On You?" —- says she normally discourages the use of private investigators, but makes an exception for Valentine's Day.

"I've seen too many people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, only to come up empty except for a receipt," Ruth said. "But if someone's cheating, they are going to make contact on Valentine's Day, either to give a gift or receive one."

Weiner is the founder of Busted Confidential Investigations, an all-woman outfit in Marietta boasting the grrl-power motto "Where Intuition and Information Meet."

Her Valentine's Day will begin early, because she knows from experience that many of the cheaters will schedule a breakfast or lunch-hour tryst.

"This way, they get to go home after work and spend a romantic evening with the person they're married to, and no one suspects a thing," she said.

Among the cases Weiner said she and her staff will tackle, charging $75 an hour, is for a woman who has been married for 30 years. Lately, though, her husband has become uncharacteristically religious.

He goes to church early in the morning on Sundays, and doesn't return until 9 p.m. But Weiner suspects he is worshipping at an earthly altar: "We've narrowed it down to a girl from work who goes to the same church."

Indeed, when men cheat, it's usually with someone they've met through work, investigators say.

But they are generally horrible at covering their tracks, said Stan Lewis of ICU Investigations in Stone Mountain.

"I had a [husband] going to the girlfriend's house five days a week at the same time every day," he said. "Monday through Friday, quarter to 6, he was there. It was like shooting fish in a barrel."

Women usually sneakier

Women cheat just as often as men, investigators have found, but they tend to be extra careful not to slip up.

They are smart enough to schedule their rendezvous for the day before or after Valentine's Day so that they don't arouse suspicion. And their excuses also are more creative, such as a dear friend suddenly falling sick.

Which is precisely why some investigators relish cases involving a cheating wife.

Tina Elkins of Tama Investigations in Snellville recounted a case when she was hired to tail a woman, a mother of two who had been married for six years.

The weekend before Valentine's, the woman told her husband she wasn't going to be home —- something about being out of town with her girlfriends.

Instead, she bee-lined to a motel in Columbus, where she holed up for two days with her lover.

Elkins checked into the room next door, and through the thin walls, captured what she euphemistically described as "a lot of audio.""They'd go out to eat, come back, and we'd catch some more audio," she said.

The woman's husband left her and now has custody of their children.

Elkins said that when investigators present the evidence to their clients, it's nothing like on the TV show "Cheaters," in which irate people confront their unfaithful spouses or lovers. Instead, these detectives recommend that the aggrieved client contact a divorce lawyer.

[An} Atlanta attorney . . . says he has had several clients come to him with evidence that a detective had dug up on their cheating spouses that day.

"It's certainly a time when people's romantic instincts get the best of them and trip them up."

That certainly was the case with a metro Atlanta lawyer. He'd been married to his college sweetheart for 20 years. (His former wife doesn't want their actual names used, to avoid further post-divorce complications.)

The two had met on Valentine's Day. And every year without fail, they made a night out of the special occasion by dining at a French restaurant in Buckhead.

But last year, the lawyer convinced his wife that he was tied up at work on a major case. Sensing something wasn't right, the wife contacted Weiner.

It wasn't difficult finding the attorney that evening. He was at the same French restaurant, canoodling with a woman from his law firm.

The investigators followed him to a downtown hotel, and his wife had all the proof she needed to file for divorce.

"I knew they weren't in there playing Parcheesi," the wife said.

This is not to say that the duplicity unearthed on Valentine's Day always end up breaking a marriage.

Weiner offers this example:

A woman had a sneaky feeling about her boyfriend. They'd been dating a year and half, yet he never spent the night with her, claiming he couldn't leave his dog alone at home.

Weiner camped discreetly outside his home last Feb. 14. True enough, a car pulled up to his driveway, a woman walked in, and there she stayed until the following morning.

Yes, Weiner discovered, the boyfriend was cheating on her client . . . but it turned out to be with his own wife.

SOURCE: AJC.com

Ways to Avoid Adultery in Your Marriage

Hopefully, this Valentine's Day will be a happy one for you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, many people across the country will not be so lucky, because their spouse is being unfaithful and violating their marriage vows.

However, there is good news.  Noted private investigator and author, Bill Mitchell, has come up with the following fourteen ways to avoid adultery in your marriage:

1. Promise your mate you will never join an internet "cheaters" service.
2. Put any positive thoughts of a "love triangle" in the company shredder
3. Guard your affection for your spouse or significant other. Don't give it away carelessly.
4. In 2006 share cards, chocolates, flowers, hotel suites and gifts with just ONE - your spouse.
5. Tell yourself you will get caught - no matter how selective a gene pool you left.
6. Understand that not every parent who cheated on their spouse is a wise or a good example to follow.
7. Convince yourself that car behind you is a private investigator placing a "tail" on you.
8. Look for reasons to keep your marriage alive - try a defibrillator if necessary.
9. Communicate to save your marriage. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires and aspirations.
10. Be affectionate, accountable, understanding and honest this year ( of course with your spouse). Try signing up for a marriage seminar or retreat. Check with a local church for events in your area.
11. Read this aloud; "Affairs seem exciting and fulfilling for a moment but destructive to me, my family, friends, employer and future. It's not worth it and I'm too smart for that troubled way of living!"
12. Extramarital affairs are just too costly even for the wealthy. Do everyone around you a big favor, including your kids, use just one bed - the one at home - with your spouse.
13. Value your health. You can't risk the future over a fling. Cheaters often spread STD's.
14. Agree that a little "self-indulgence" will lead to an affair so listen to your conscience before it leads anywhere.

Source:  "Fourteen Sure Fire Actions to avoid an affair this Valentine's Day" by Bill Mitchell, published at his The More You Know blog.

SOURCE: South Carolina Family Law Blog