Georgia Family Law Blog

A Dozen Ways Children Of Divorce Get Caught In Their Parents' Conflict

Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.

Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!

1.     Bad Mouthing

One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence.  Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing".

2.     Forcing a Child To Choose

It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents.  Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have.  If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.

3.     Spying

A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts.  Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.

4.     Making the Child the Messenger

Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent.  Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.

5.     Sabotaging the Child's Routine

When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts.  conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes.  This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.

6.     Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures

One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient", "too strict", "too involved", or "not involved enough".  Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures' by being the opposite kind of parent.  Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.

7.     Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood

A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent.  such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.

8.     Being an Accomplice to Whining

A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent.  If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.

9.     Child Abuse Allegations

It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse.  For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching.  Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.

10.     Custody Fights

Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive.  Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.

11.     Child Support

Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse.  In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.

12.     Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards

A custodial parent might say "i want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late.  A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home.  Children are sensitive to inconsistencies.  They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.

SOURCE: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog

SOURCE FOR POST: Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog

Children's Bill of Rights

Divorce can be a frustrating, time consuming, life changing experience. For those that have children, it can be extraordinarily difficult to keep your divorce from adversely affecting your children. This Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce was put together to help parents act in the best interest of their children by M. Debra Gold, and attorney and guardian ad litem. Additional commentary is provided by William P. Millisor along with the rights.

Every child has the right to love and be loved by both parents.
Your divorce means that your child will most likely be living with one parent most of the time. Parents should not turn their divorce into a contest to get their children to "pick" them over the ex. Children should not be made to feel guilty for time spent with either parent or extended family. Children should be able to express that they want to spend time without fear of disapproval or rejection. While you may not need each other anymore, your child still needs both of their parents.

Every child has the right to parents who respect the child's relationship with the other parent.
Your children should not be forced to listen to your complaints and criticisms of your ex. Don't say anything in front of your child that you wouldn't want repeated to your ex, or presented in a contempt hearing.In most divorce settlement agreements there is language to effect that you won't disparage your ex in front of the children. This is for the child's protection, not your ex's, so take that provision seriously.

Every child has the right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.
Your child can benefit from the love, advice, and expertise of both you and your ex, and will be a stronger person if they can get they best from both of you. Allow your ex to be involved with school and extracurriculars, are create an environment where your child is not afraid you will get angry if she wants to talk something over with your ex instead of you.

Every child has the right to parents who treat one another with integrity and respect.
Treat your ex with respect and dignity, at least in front of the child. If absolutely necessary find means of communications and exchange that don't involve face to face interaction.

Every child has the right to freely communicate with both parents in privacy.
Don't obstruct your child's access to the phone, withhold messages, or snoop through your child's email or cellphone for communications with your ex. This kind of activity can cause distrust and hurt the child's relationship with both parents.

Every child has the right to be free their parents' hostilities and conflicts.
Do not bring your child into the middle of your disputes. Parents often find it tempting to bring a child into a dispute if they feel like they can gain some kind of upper hand. Your child should never feel like they have to chose sides. Disparaging your spouse put your child in an impossible position where they may not feel safe to either agree or disagree with either you or your ex.

Every child has the right to freedom from guilt or blame.
Children often need to hear that your divorce is not their fault. It is up to you to make sure you have communicated with your child about how they feel about your divorce and that you explain to them that your divorce has nothing to do with their behavior and is in now way their fault.

Every child has the right to parents who cooperate with one another when it comes to the children.
Co-parenting is a difficult but essential skill for divorced parents. Some amount of common courtesy and understanding is necessary. Remember that you will probably need an accommodation or understanding at some point as well. If you are unable to cooperate, find new methods with which you can both work.

Every child has the right to be heard.
Listen to your children and what they have to say about the parenting situation. Be honest, address their concerns, and answer their questions.

Every child has the right to live the life of a child throughout minority.
Your child should be treated like a child. When you get divorced your child does not become a best friend, travel buddy, shoulder to cry on, or man of the house. You need to continue to be a parent, and allow your child to continue being a child.

Every child has a right to a safe and secure environment in their parents' custody.
This goes without saying. Whether you have your child 100% of the time or one weekend a month, you need to avoid the same dangers and take the same steps to protect your child as you would if you were still married.

Every child has the right to financial support from both parents.
The child support guidelines provided by the legislature determine the amount of child support, not your ex. The current guidelines provide a more standardized and rationale basis for determining child support than methods in the past. Remember that though you pay child support to your spouse, the money is for the support of your child and you have a duty to provide what you can for the child.

Source: M. Debra Gold, Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce.

SOURCE FOR POST: William P. Millisor, P.C.

Divorced on Father's Day?

Parenting: Eitiquette Tips for Fathers, Stepdads to Help Make Father's Day Special

This June 15th, Americans will be firing up the grills and chowing down on ribs, steaks, burgers, and dogs (also known as guy food) to honor the men in their lives. Even with a slowing economy, retailers expect those eager to honor dad will spend more than $9 billion on gifts ranging from ties to the latest gizmo. Nearly 40 percent of men say consumer electronics -- like plasma or flat screen TVs -- top their wish list.

Father’s Day was started as a way to honor a single parent. Sonora Dodd celebrated the first Father’s Day on June 19, 1910 in honor of her father, William Smart, who raised six children by himself after his wife died in childbirth. Dodd picked June because it was her father’s birth month. In 1972, President Richard Nixon signed a law making Father’s Day a permanent part of our calendar.               

Father’s Day celebrates family bonds that can be especially tough for those who’ve gone through a divorce. Statistics show that 40 percent of America’s children do not live with both biological parents. The National Fatherhood Initiative reports that more than 27 million children now live apart from their fathers.

The organization's National Survey on Fathering found that men who did not live with their children were more likely to say they didn't spend enough time or  feel close to them. While 99 percent of the men surveyed said being a father was important, 30 percent of children who do not live with their biological father have no contact with their nonresident father, and only 40 percent have contact once or more per month.               

“Fathers can overcome some of the long-term consequences of divorce by cultivating a close connection with their children,” said Ken Canfield, Ph.D., founder of The National Center for Fathering and the new director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University.               

Fatherless homes account for 63 percent of youth suicides, 90 percent of homeless/runaway children, 85 percent of children with behavior problems, 71 percent of high school dropouts, 85 percent of youths in prison, well over 50 percent of teen mothers. No doubt about it, guilt is the Father’s Day gift that keeps on giving for those who worry that their divorce has wrecked their kids. So, it’s no surprise that 91 percent of those surveyed feel that America is suffering from a “father absence” crisis. Parenting is definitely harder when you’re not physically present. All else being equal, 81 percent said that men perform best as fathers if they are married to the mothers of their children.

Cultivating that connection when there's divorce requires more than love. "Handling situations where there isn't an etiquette rule is about understanding how to combine manners with three fundamental principles that form the basis of how we get along with each other — demonstrating respect, showing consideration, and being honest," said Dr. Cindy Post Senning. Dr. Senning is a director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., and co-author of six books, including The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent's Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children."                

Here are eight rules for the road to help you navigate Father's Day when you're divorced.   

1. Recognize this may be an especially tough holiday for dad.
While the studies show men have a higher income level than women after divorce, men do worse emotionally than women after a divorce. Divorced men are three times more likely to commit suicide than married men. The National Fatherhood Initiative reports that divorced men also have substantially more problems with alcohol than similarly aged married men. Canada’s National Population Health Survey found divorced men were at higher risk for depression than divorced women. Research has suggested that loss of custody or a change in parenting responsibilities is one of the most stressful aspects of post-divorce life for men.   

“It’s especially risky for men not to be connected with family,” said Vincent DiCaro, Director of Public Affairs for National Fatherhood Initiative. “When men start to become disconnected from family, they are more likely to get involved in behaviors that are going to be harmful to themselves or to their family. They don’t have the institution that was providing their life with meaning and direction. The men really hit hard by divorce tend to be those who don’t have a large support network in place.”   

Dr. Canfield agrees. “Men in depression after divorce --- it’s big. Women are better able to assess their emotional state and more likely to get help. Depression for men is more closely tied to the loss of children than it is to the loss of the marriage. As a result, they may tend to remarry quickly to deal with this but that tends to compound the problem because the children wonder if this marriage will be successful.”   

If you’re the divorced dad dealing with depression, create the support system you need so you can be part of your children’s lives. Seek out men whose fathering skills you admire and get advice when you need it. Go for counseling and keep your own emotional bucket full.

Is Work Or A Divorce Keeping You From Your Child?

I have posted previously on software and other tools to help parents and children of dvorce keep up with schedules and improve communication. This is a similar product which deserves a look:

For parents burdened by a divorce or a heavy workload, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay in touch with their children and each other. Visitation rights might decree that a parent only gets to see a child every other weekend, or perhaps the parent returns home from the office so late each night that their kids are already asleep. Additionally, children themselves are becoming busier and busier - extra academic studies after school, practice with the sports team - which further reduces the contact between parent and child. Whatever the reasons, a communication chasm is appearing between many parents and their children.

Community advocate and business owner Sheila Butler found that - like the parents in many of the other 40 million other 'broken' families across America - daily communication with her spouse about their children became next to impossible following her divorce two years ago.

"There were times when communication with my ex was difficult at best," recalls Sheila. "The question I kept asking myself was 'How are we both ever going to keep up with what's going on in our kids' lives?' but there was no solution available."

With necessity so often being the mother of invention, this mother of two set out to find her own solution, and in so doing developed the 'Kids in Motion Planner' (www.kidsinmotionplanner.com) to help her - and the millions like her - stay in touch with their current or ex-spouses concerning the kids.

Sheila offers parents the following tips:

1. Keep an ongoing involvement in your children's lives.

2. Try and have a window of information into your kids' everyday schedules and developments.

3. Keep an open line of communication, not just between the child and parent, but also the two parents themselves.

4. Give your kids an added 'security blanket' by letting them see that Mom and Dad are cooperating and interested in their development.

5. Enhance the safety nets - parents must stay in contact regarding important changes in their child's life; such as a change in medication.

6. Give children a sense of purpose. Knowing that there are expectations on their parents as well as themselves gives kids purpose and an increased feeling of success when objectives were reached.

Since developing the 'Kids in Motion Planner' (www.kidsinmotionplanner.com) Sheila has become even closer with her 9 year old daughter, and keeps up to date better than ever before with her 20 year old son, who is constantly traveling with the military.

"From my own experience and from the feedback I've received from others, the 'Kids in Motion Planner' has proven to be a highly successful tool for families," she says, "and I mean the whole family - to our knowledge this is the first time anyone has involved the child in the issue of divorce and shared custody in a positive manner."

Although being a divorced or overworked parent is never easy for a family, a little extra communication between parents and their children, and with some simple organizational tools, all families can enjoy closer, more loving, and healthy relationships, no matter what life throws at them.

SOURCE: NewsBlaze and KidsInMotionPlanner.com

A YouTube video on the product, as featured on Atlanta & Company appears below:

Related Posts:

Shared Parenting Custody Calendar Software

Think outside the box for parent-child communications

Virtual Visitation: Webcams and Weekly Visits

Children's Bill of Rights

I have posted previously the Children's Bill of Rights from the American Academy of Matrimonial Attorneys. This is another good list from DivorceHQ, stated from the child's perspective:

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

1. The right not to be asked to "choose sides" or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
2. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
3. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
4. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
5. The right not to be a messenger.
6. The right to express my feelings.
7. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
8. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
9. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
10. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
11. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
12. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent's well being.
13. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
14. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
15. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
16. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

---

Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The "Children's' Bill of Rights" is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.

SOURCE: DivorceHQ.com

How to Keep Divorce From Having Long Lasting Effects on Children

Yearly more than 1 million children experience the divorce of their parents. The process and trauma these children experience will normally begin long before there is an actual divorce. It will begin with parental disagreements, anger and continue to worsen throughout the divorce process and can often last for many years after the divorce is final.

You can’t take your child’s discomfort away but there are things you can do that will lessen the long lasting effects your divorce will have.

Here's How:

1. Utilize Age Appropriate Therapy.It is important to have a third party who can be objective and whose only concern is listening to and putting at ease, the feelings of the child. A child will feel more comfortable expressing anger or sadness to a third party such as a therapist.
2. Put Their Feelings First.Stay focused on your children’s needs in spite of your anger, grief and discomfort in the divorce process. Don’t allow your own feelings to get in the way of meeting your child’s needs. Be willing to listen to your child even if what they say is hurtful.
3. Pay Attention to Their Moods.Understanding why your child is acting out will help you be more tolerant and aware of their needs. Take notice of when the child may be feeling especially sad or angry. Take extra time to do things with the child that will distract him / her from the problems in the family.
4. Watch for any Psychosomatic Symptoms. Some children develop migraines or tummy aches. They internalize their pain instead of externalizing it and acting out. If your child begins to complain of aches and pains have them checked out by a doctor to make sure it is nothing serious.
5. Continue to be a Parent. Stay involved in your child’s life. The best way to ward off any long lasting effects is to see your child often, plan activities with your child and stay highly visible in your child’s life. It takes two full time parents to help a child get through the divorce process in a healthy manner.

Source: Cathy Meyer's Divorce Support Blog at about.com

SOURCE FOR POST: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog

Heartbroken Holidays: Help for a Child Divided

Diana Skaggs at the Divorce Law Journal (Louisville KY) posted a very timely article today on holidays and children of divorced or divorcing families:

The first holidays after a divorce or separation can be a heartbreaking nightmare as estranged parents negotiate access to their children. There are ten things parents can do to help their children enjoy the holidays and to serve their best interests in the future.

“Divorce is never an easy experience,” said Gaetano “Guy” Ferro, immediate past president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML). “Children can make it more difficult for the parties to reach reasonable agreements. Disagreements about financial issues may cause the parents to act emotionally or irrationally when it comes to the children. The primary goal of both parents and their attorneys should be to avoid conduct which would be detrimental to the children’s best interest.”

• Give your children permission to love the other parent. Help your child make a card for Dad or buy a gift for Mom. Encourage them to call the other parent.
• Set realistic expectations. To divide or share a holiday, each parent will have only half as much time with the child. While children may enjoy multiple celebrations, most do not care that the festivities are actually on “the” day. Holidays can be alternated by year and if Mom does not have Thanksgiving with the child this year, bake a turkey the preceding weekend.
• Coordinate gift giving. If a child has a wish list, split it with the other parent. Resist the temptation to over-indulge the child with gifts. Do not give the child a gift you know the other parent is planning to give. If the other parent will not cooperate, do not complain to the child.
• Do not use your children as messengers. The decision of where to go and when should be decided by the parents. Permitting the child to choose time with one parent is a burden and vests the child with inappropriate power.
• Do what you say you are going to do. Pick up and drop off the children on time. Do not request last minute changes.

Other tips for divorcing parents include never letting a child hear you disparage the other parent. Resist the temptation to permit your child to act as your caretaker. Do not uproot your children if at all possible. Reassure your children that the divorce or separation is not their fault and encourage and permit your child to see and love grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the other parent’s side of the family.

Over the coming holidays, please let your children be children. They shouldn’t have to worry about adult problems. For more helpful tips you can access the “Children’s Bill of Rights” and “Stepping Back From Anger” on the AAML website, www.aaml.org.

Many parents contemplate divorce as holidays and New Year approach. Holiday filings can increase the trauma; your children will always associate their parents’ divorce with the holidays. Please resist the urge. Divorce lasts a long time. There’s rarely a reason to rush. At a time of year that resonates family and joy, please put your children’s well-being ahead of your own.

SOURCE FOR POST: Divorce Law Journal

10 TIPS TO MINIMIZE DIVORCE TRAUMA DURING THE HOLIDAYS

The holidays are a particularly challenging time for families going through divorce. There are all these images out there of perfect family holidays, yet your own family is coping with a situation that is anything but perfect. Holidays are a time when the difference between fantasy and reality can be very painful, and this is particularly true if you are going through a divorce. Whether this is the last holiday before the divorce starts, is a holiday during the divorce or is a holiday immediately after divorce, you may be feeling overwhelmed, sad and perhaps a bit anxious.

In offering 10 tips to minimize divorce trauma during the holidays, we certainly do not suggest you put yourself under additional pressure to be perfect. There is no one right way to minimize the trauma of divorce during the holidays. Nevertheless, a few tips from those who have worked with many others going through divorce may lighten your burden:

1. Recognize you are not alone. In the United States, 52% of first marriages and 62% of second marriage end in divorce. The greeting card images of warmth and loving families are not the reality for many, many families. You are not alone if you or someone you love is in the middle of a divorce or just finalized a divorce.

2. Acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. You are preoccupied, forgetful, clumsy and accident prone. You need to create a health promoting environment around you, and do what you need to relax. Take a walk alone, go to movies, get a massage, or take a fitness class.

3. Stay in the present. This is not the year to dwell on holidays past or worry over holidays future. The past is especially non-productive. Whether the holidays with your "ex" were wonderful or terrible, you will not find it helpful to mull them over right now. Now is the time to make new traditions for yourself and your family.

4. Choose to be a survivor. With any trauma, such as divorce, you have a choice between being a survivor or a victim. The challenge of divorce can actually make you stronger, if you choose survival. To be a survivor, you must stop processing and reprocessing the same old stuff. We know it is not easy to stop digging through the remains of your feelings, but you need to

5. Put the legal and financial side of the divorce "on hold" until January, unless you have a hearing this month. Be careful not to make decisions or large expenditures while under the influence of the holidays.

6. Be the adult parent for your children. Every parenting exchange is likely to be somewhat more emotionally charged as the holidays approach. The parental divorce involves a deliberate decision to keep the trauma away from your children. Remember that the goal is for the children to remember the holidays as a time of joy. You don't want the children to remember their folks always fought for the holidays.

7. The spousal divorce gets tricky this time of year. Feelings are escalated. You may want to exchange holiday greetings with your extended "ex" family. If you have a relationship with a former sister-in-law, call her but don't discuss the divorce. Don't be shocked if some of your "ex-in-laws" treat you as an "ex human being," though, and don't assume that the discomfort of this Christmas will plague all future Christmases.

8. Celebrate your mood swings. You might as well simply acknowledge that you will have mood swings, and treat the ups and downs as a normal component of the divorce process. Try to avoid exaggerating the mood swings with excessive use of alcohol, however, as the reality is that alcohol acts as a depressant, and clouds your judgment. (See, your high school health teacher was right.)

9. Plan what you will do with the rest of your life. This time of year presents wonderful opportunities for reflection. You are now free to guide your own destiny, based on what is meaningful to you. Think about the things you always wanted to do, but never made room for. The divorce process, painful as it can be, also is a liberation to make plans that suit your interests, needs and personality. Do you have a vocation you have never developed? Think of moving, regenerating, reenergizing, gaining both health and perspective. Plan to participate in a charity project, to help yourself by helping others.

10. Have Fun. Think of what makes you smile...get away from the intensity. Give yourself some space to actually celebrate and have a good time with friends and family. You are not betraying your sorrow at saying good-bye to a failed marriage if you actually have some fun.

Remember, after the holidays you have an entire lifetime to deal with the changes in your life. It is not necessary to force yourself to get every emotional issue handled right now. Take time in this time of celebration and peace to give peace to yourself, so you will have strength to give peace to others.

SOURCE: YourHub.com.

SOURCE FOR POST: California Divorce and Family Law Blog

Success or failure as parents

Here are some very wise words of advice from Willam Wilson at the Indiana Family Law Blog:

With the holidays rapidly approaching, a number of divorcing and divorced parents will have to contend with holiday celebrations and gatherings. All too often, these holidays are the source of disputes that end up in court. If you’re reading this, hopefully you can avoid these types of disputes. But if it appears a dispute might be on the horizon, here is some food for thought.

Parents of a child were once in a relationship of some nature. It is well known and accepted that for a relationship to work, there must be compromise. While the marital relationship may no longer exist (or, if the parents were never married, the romantic relationship), a very important relationship continues: parents of a child.Like it or not, the decision to have a child (or risk having a child) means there are certain responsibilities that go along with that decision. Working together with your child’s co-parent is one of those responsibilities. Like any other relationship, it will require compromise if the relationship is going to work.

One measure of parents’ success in raising their children is whether they can compromise when necessary. When they cannot, and disputes have to be resolved by attorneys and/or a judge, the parents have failed.

No one likes to fail. Parents who are inclined to head off to court to decide whether a child has to return home at 6:00 versus 7:00 on Christmas Eve are failing their children. Harsh words, yes, but it is perhaps better to hear them now and reverse course rather than fail the children.

With these thoughts in mind, if you have to, give in. If your family asks why you “caved in” to your former spouse, tell them that your child is better off if her parents aren’t fighting, and you didn’t want to hurt your child and make her the rope in a holiday session of tug-of-war. Do that, and you’ll be a successful parent–even if it’s hard to do.

SOURCE FOR POST: Indiana Family Law Blog

7 Tips for a Better School Year

Thanks to Allison Herr at Preventive Family Law Blog for her post about this. Dick Price has another terrific post on divorce and children in his Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County Texas Blog:

At the start of a new school year, there are many possibilities for mischief and conflict when parents, step-parents and other relatives are involved in a child's life. Most or all of the problems can be avoided when the parents and others act as mature adults and focus on what would benefit the child the most. Here are 7 tips to help avoid and minimize problems.

1. Let the school know from the beginning who the significant adults in the child's life are. Unfortunately, many parents play games and try to take sole control over the child by omitting mention of the other adults on official school forms. Every school has (and needs) contact information on each child. Many parents try to prevent access to the child and monopolize school information. "Locking out" the other adults can also hinder the teachers' ability to learn about the child and understand his or her special needs or skills. Teachers are used to dealing with blended families (many are step-parents themselves), so they would certainly not be judgmental about various family situations, especially where the adults are cooperative.

2. Parents living apart should share all school and extra-curricular activity information, even if they really dislike the other adults. Parents should always exchange information and should update each other for the child's benefit. Children feel more secure and loved when they see all parents and adults supporting them and showing up for events. Parents should fore go the power they possess when they have exclusive information about the child. The focus should always be on what benefits the child, not what gives more power to a parent or what creates an opportunity to make the other parent look bad. When kids get awards or participate in sports, they would much prefer to see a larger crowd of supporter cheering them on and getting along well (or at least civilly).

3. Parents should set up consistent rules for after school at each home. While it is probably impossible to establish identical disciplinary rules for two or more households, the parents should regularly discuss how to deal with issues and work out a common response to each situation. Parents should not let the child play them against each other and should not use discipline imposed by the other parent as an opportunity to be the good or nice parent by not imposing the same sanctions. After-school schedules should also be coordinated so that the child can develop consistent habits and activities, regardless of where the child is.

Children, Divorce and the Holidays- How to make the best out of a stressful time

The holiday season conjures up many images for all of us. The most universal of these images is one that includes happy excited children. However, for children from divorced or separated families, the holidays can be a nightmare. What other children may experience as a joyful time filled with excitement and good feelings, children whose parents are divorced or separated see quite differently. Often the holiday time marks a period of turmoil and chaos, as the estranged parents are forced to negotiate additional child centered issues. Depending on the degree of hostility between the parents, children of divorce approach the holidays with feelings ranging from mild ambivalence to absolute dread. This article will explore what children of divorce experience at holiday time with a focus on holiday visitation, parents' legal rights and ways that parents can help ease the pain and reduce conflict so the holidays can be enjoyed by all.

First, regardless of financial or marital status, we all experience stress around the holidays. We spend too much, eat too much, party too much and always seem to have too little money, too little sleep, and too little time. It is important to recognize that most people feel inadequate around the holidays.

Second, regardless of how good the relationship is between the divorced or separated parents, children and their parents always experience some sadness around the holidays. After all, the holidays are a time for reminiscing and reassessing our lives. The divorced or separated family is always aware of the pain it has suffered and the holidays magnify this pain. Reminiscing is part of the holiday tradition, as we remember holidays gone by with stories or browsing through the family album. For the divorced or separated family this experience is bittersweet, as they reassess how it "used to be."

Third, we have unrealistic expectations. This result is the "post holiday blues" many of us experience in January. We expect more from ourselves and others than is possible, so we feel let down and disappointed.

Ten Ways To Help Children Through Divorce

By Ed Sherman

Going through a divorce is no fun for anyone, but children are especially vulnerable. Divorce specialist attorney Ed Sherman reveals in his book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, the following 10 things you can do to make a big difference in how well your children survive.

1.  Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.

2.  Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.

3.  Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.

4.  Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.

5.  Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.

What About Me?

“What About Me?” (W.A.M.) is a program designed for children of divorcing parents. This VOLUNTARY class addresses various issues facing children during this difficult time. For ages 5-12, this course helps teach children how to cope with the changes and how to communicate better with their parents. The class is broken down into two age groups (5-8 year olds and 9-12 year olds) so that discussion may be age appropriate. The same facilitators as the “Seminar for Divorcing Parents” teach this course and many parents who have taken the parent seminar feel that W.A.M. is a good companion class for their children.

• W.A.M. is a voluntary, one-time class which is typically offered the fourth Monday of every other month from 6:15pm - 8:15pm.
• In order to secure a place, all children must be pre-registered (permission form and payment)
• If Court action is still pending, permission is required from BOTH parents. If Court action is finalized, only the primary custodial parent’s permission is necessary for enrollment.
• During the seminar, one parent must remain on premises.
• The class costs $10 per pre-registered participant and an additional child from the same family is an additional $5.

Download Application
Print and fax (with credit card) this application to 770-528-8142 or mail it with payment:
Superior Court ADR Office (Attn: W.A.M.)
30 Waddell St.
Marietta, GA 30090-9642


For class schedule or if you have any questions please call 770-528-1812.

SOURCE: Cobb County Superior Court

Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations

By Ruben Francia

Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from the painful consequences.

1. Carrying Message Between Parents

A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Children want parents to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that children don't feel like they are going to mess up.

Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to your "ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example to your child that you can resolve a problem with another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.

Helping Your Kids Navigate a Divorce

Have I mentioned before how divorce can be hard on kids? Not that they won’t survive it, especially if their parents can keep things relatively civil. But they’ll have issues, and they may need support and information. No doubt you’re doing your best to listen and talk to your kids–but that may not always be so easy. There are lots of resources for parents, and we’ll get into those in another post. For now, here are some ideas of age-appropriate divorce resources for kids at all stages: 

Two Homes, by Claire Masurel (Candlewick Press) is a picture book for very young children about going back and forth between Mom and Dad’s houses.

At Daddy’s On Saturdays, by Linda Walvoord Girard (Albert Whitman & Co) is for young grade school children and has text and pictures about a young girl learning to adjust to seeing her father on weekends.

Dinosaurs  Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Little, Brown & Co) is an extremely popular book for good reason—it uses humorous drawings and simple but straightforward text to deal with the really difficult issues of divorce, including having two homes, birthdays and holidays, stepparents you don’t like, and what to do when your parents badmouth each other.

Kids’ Divorce Workbook: A Practical Guide that Helps Kids Understand Divorce Happens to the Nicest Kids, by Michael S. Prokop (Alegra House) offers space for kids to write and draw about their feelings, alongside the words and drawings of other children dealing with divorce. An excellent resource for kids who might be more comfortable with writing or drawing.

Help Hope and Happiness, by Libby Rees (Aultbea Publishing) is written by a 10-year-old and contains her advice for kids on coping with divorce; the book is only available from its
UK publisher at www.aultbeapublishing.com or www.amazon.co.uk.

What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide for Kids, by Roberta Beyer and Kent Winchester (Free Spirit Publishing), is aimed at kids 7 to 12 years old, and explains divorce, new living situations, and dealing with difficult feelings in ways that should resonate with the preteen set.

The Divorce Helpbook for Teens, by Cynthia MacGregor (Impact Publishers) is a thorough, plain-language, un-condescending book offering guidance on navigating the challenges of divorce.

SOURCE: Nolo’s Divorce, Custody, and Family Law Blog

A Judge Talks to Divorcing Parents

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

Judge Michael Haas
District Court
Minnesota

SOURCE: Clerk of the Superior Court of Liberty County, Georgia

Divorcing Parents Seminar in Cobb County, Georgia

Because of the extremely emotional nature of divorce and its impact on children, the Cobb County Superior Court Judges enacted a local rule of court mandating divorcing parents of children under the age of 18 to attend a four hour educational seminar entitled “Helping Children Cope With Divorce: A Seminar for Divorcing Parents.” The purpose of the seminar is to provide parents with information on topics including the divorce process and how it impacts children, developmental stages of children, communication skills, identifying when a child may need help, and realistic expectations about step families.

The course is conducted by professional counselors who can help the parents identify and respond to the best interest of their children. The class is offered three times each month (see the online registration form for a schedule) at a cost of $30.00 per participant. Evaluations of this seminar have consistently shown that at least 94% of past participants felt that the course was helpful to them during the divorce process.

For further information, please call the ADR office at (770) 528-1812.

You will complete the seminar by attending ONE Thursday morning seminar OR by attending TWO Monday evening seminars.

The location for all classes will be:

Cobb County Superior Court Building
(Building "D" 6th floor jury assembly room)
30 Waddell street
Marietta, GA 30090-9642
Driving Directions | Marietta Square Map

Parking is provided in the jury parking lot on the north end of Waddell St.

SOURCE: Clerk of Superior Court of Cobb County

Introduction to Child Custody and Visitation in Georgia

The question of "Who gets custody of the kids?" is one of the most difficult and often the most emotionally draining both for parents and their children, when spouses divorce. Custody and visitation are the legal terms in court ordered determinations of which parent the child lives with and the conditions for the child to visit the other parent. Custody and visitation are never considered to be final. In Georgia, the law does not favor either the mother or father. Rather, they look to the relationship of each parent with the child. While grandparents and others may seek custody, there is a presumption in favor of the natural parents. This section is designed to give you a general knowledge of the issues involved in determining the parties custody and visitation rights.

Shared Parenting Custody Calendar Software

Using a shared parenting custody calendar can help you keep track of everything important in your children's lives, including the visitation schedule and how the custody arrangement is working.  One of the easiest ways to do this is by using child custody and visitation software, such as the Custody Toolbox.

What Is The Custody Toolbox?

The custody toolbox is a child custody software program for your computer to help you keep track of everything relating to your children.  You can use it to:

STEPPING BACK FROM ANGER: Protecting Your Children During Divorce

Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have.

For their children, it can be even worse.

Imagine you are six, and suddenly the only people you have ever relied on for food, shelter, and love are at each other's throats. In your young mind, you conclude that you are the cause of their anger, and that you might get lost in the shuffle. Before you know it, you think to yourself, there won't be anybody left to scare off the closet monsters.

To make matters worse, you often find yourself alone in your anguish, as the two people you usually go to for solace - your parents - are too wrapped up in their own anger and grief to be of much help.

It is unsettling, to say the least.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce

Helping children cope with divorce is important because children model future behavior on current experiences.  Whether we like it or not, our children watch every thing we do, and tend to remember for a long time.  Even if your children are young and take everything you say as the truth, eventually they will grow up and form opinions on how you handled the divorce.  So how do you even begin to help a child deal with divorce?  Use the following tips to guide you through the divorce experience so that it is less traumatic on your kids:

Even Celebrities Can Benefit from Parenting Classes

Too often in child custody cases, children are asked the following questions or subjected to these comments:

• "Who do you love more? 'Mommy' or 'Daddy?'"
• "Was mom's boyfriend there?"
• "Your father is always late on payments."

Children should never be put in the position of having to deal with "adult" issues.  Just because their parents can't get along, their childhood should not be ruined by such inappropriate conduct. 

Some judges require feuding parents to attend parenting classes to attempt to resolve (or sometimes prevent) such problems.  These classes vary widely in their format, but they generally aim to teach parents how to deal with each other while protecting their children and also to make parents realize how their actions can affect their children.

Even celebrities can benefit from these classes, as evidenced by the ugly child custody battle between Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher and his former lover.  Both parents in that case were ordered to attend a four-hour parenting class to help deal with the problems in their case.

Source:  "Urlacher Custody Judge: Take a Class" by Rummana Hussain, published at The Herald News.

SOURCE FOR POST: South Carolina Family Law Blog

Tips for Divorcing Parents

No step-by-step manual can give you a guarantee on how to raise kids blissfully through divorce. Every situation - and every family - is different. There are, however, some commonsense guidelines that may make adjustment a little bit easier.

Here are some suggestions to make the process less painful for your child. Parents will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help to begin the healing process. Be patient. Not everyone's timetable is your own.

Encourage your child to talk as openly as possible about his or her feelings - positive or negative - about what has happened. Make that an ongoing process.

It's important for divorcing - and already divorced - parents to sit down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking and feeling. But you'll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, children experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent - or both - for what they perceive as a betrayal. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions your child may raise or to address concerns he or she may have.

Make talking with your child about the divorce and how it's affecting him or her an ongoing process. As children get older and become more mature, they may have different questions or concerns that they hadn't thought about previously. Even if it seems like you've gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open.

Talking to kids about divorce

The divorce rate in the United States has declined since the 1980s but is still higher than most other countries. Researchers Hetherington and Stanley-Hogan estimate that 40 percent of children born to married parents in the U.S. will experience their parents' divorce.

During the summer months when noncustodial parents have children for an extended time, I cannot help but think of some of the ways parents can help children deal with the divorce and strengthen relationships along the way. It is a lot of work for all involved but need not be contentious. Ellen Galinsky and Judy David offer some guidelines for communicating with children about divorce.

-As soon as it becomes obvious that one parent is moving from the home, it is important to explain to the children what is occurring. It is also important to have both parents present and to assure them. Be sure to tell them who will take care of them and assure them of the visitation arrangements with the other parent.

-Be sure to let them know that the separation or divorce is not the child's fault. You may need to repeat this several times, as many children believe that they have done something to cause the parent to leave.

-Let them know that it is normal to feel bad. It is OK to share emotions and let them know it will get better after a while. Keep this part of the discussion brief and do not criticize the other parent.

How to Keep Your Child Out of the Middle

Dick Price at Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County had this great post. He points out some key points that most divorcing parents forget. First of all, you are parents. And for the best interest of the children, these five points must be considered. While emotions are high for the divorcing parents. Don’t forget that the children also are going through the divorce and as parents, everything must be done to help them through it. And, lets not forget that until the children reach at least the age of 18, you and your ex-spouse will have to work together to raise the children to adulthood.

The following is a brief list of 5 'Don’ts' and a 'Do' that may help avoid such situations.

1. Don’t ask the children to decide. In the heat of family disagreements, it may seem simple or fair to just let the children decide where they want to live, or what visitation schedule they want to follow, etc.; parents may feel that’s like having a neutral person make the decision. Unfortunately, that puts a lot of pressure on the children and sets them up for guilt feelings and/or angry parents.

2. Don’t disparage the other parent or his/her family. This can be by direct comments made to a child or it can be done indirectly, such as comments made to others, but overheard by a child. It can also include body language and gestures that indicate disapproval or other bad opinions of the other parent. A child will likely take such actions or words as an attack on him or her.

3. Don’t argue around the kids. Disagreements are normal, even in well-functioning, intact families. Discussions and arguments between adults should take place just between adults, if at all possible. The kids don’t need to be drawn in or manipulated by the situations.

4. Don’t ask the children about the other parent. It’s not necessary for you to know everything that goes on when your children are with the other parent. Children will often tell about things they enjoyed or about big events, good or bad. Children don’t like being grilled about what happens when they visit their other parent.

5. Don’t use the children as messengers. If you want to send a message to the other parent, talk directly by phone or in person, send a letter or send an email. Kids aren’t always dependable anyway. And if you send a message by the children and then the other parent reacts badly when the message is delivered, the children are likely going to feel that they caused the problem.

Finally, something you can Do:

Do take a co-parenting class, preferably with the other parent. There are several good classes available in this area in person and even on line. I recommend the 'in-person' class because you can learn more and get specific questions answered.

If you can avoid the temptation to put your children in the middle of adult disputes, your children will be happier and you should have better relationships with them (and maybe the other parent as well). If both parents will take a co-parenting class, all of this advice may be unnecessary!"

Sources for Post: Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County and Kansas Family Law Blog

Divorce needn't mean ugliness for children

Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce; most involve children. For decades, those children didn't have much of a chance to experience cordial co-parenting, caught as they were in the verbal crossfire between two people they loved.

Ugly scenarios still play out regularly, but no longer exclusively. Instead of twisting in a win-lose court system, a growing number of parents are turning to a win-win world inhabited by a new breed of largely non-legal professionals.

Businesses are springing up in support of successful post-divorce parenting. Ourfamilywizard.com, for example, is a scheduling Web site designed to help families manage the chaos of daily activities from different addresses.

On a recent episode of "All of Us," on the CW Network, divorced Mom and Dad do a "nesting" scenario, in which they move in and out of the family home so their son doesn't have to.

And last fall, Ford aired a controversial TV commercial as part of its "Bold Moves" campaign, in which a family spends a delightful weekend shopping, driving and hanging out at the beach. At the end of the day, though, Dad is dropped off at his apartment.

"Thanks for inviting me this weekend," he says as he hugs his kids and mom throws him a bittersweet smile.

Bloggers had plenty to say about the ad, some chiding Ford for putting Daddy in a "sad, recent-divorce condo complex." But one viewer wrote: "I thought the ad was bold and innovative. It portrays a post-divorce husband and wife who are working together to provide a normal life for their children."

"In spite of all evidence of high conflict everywhere, there's a thread of a better way to do this," said Deborah Clemmensen, a licensed psychologist and child specialist. "There's a belief that there can be more respectful and dignified ways to relieve conflict. The minute you start on that path, you keep going."

That path includes these three ideals:

Parents' Unexpected Divorce Can Destabilize New College Student's Life

Embarking upon a college career is a rite of passage. It is a foray into the realm of adulthood; it is a time to test the waters intellectually and emotionally, socially and professionally. But new adults are not immediately minted as soon as the dorm room is set up and the parents have waved good-bye. College is a formative time during which young adults are especially needful of parental security and support. But for students whose collegiate journey precipitates their parents' divorce announcement, their lives are suddenly thrown into a tailspin, making an already challenging transition even more difficult.

For parents who decide to "stick it out" in order to provide a stable life for their child, the decision to divorce once the child is in college is usually rooted in the belief that the child is adult enough to finally do without the parent's union, says Paul Amato, Penn State professor of sociology, demography and family studies. These couples consider college to be an emotional and social marker indicating their child is mature and independent and that the marriage has served its purpose. However, this is a limited perspective, says Amato.

"It's a mistake to think college students are completely separated from parents. They're still very dependent on their parents for economic support, emotional support, advice and guidance," says Amato. "Ideally, students would like to come and go from being dependent to being independent, and gradually have that be under their control. But divorce might take away that sense of control -- the process of separation and individuation."

Each year, Penn State's Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) sees many students who are struggling to make sense of their parents' announcement of divorce.

Co-Parenting Tool For Divorced Parents

It is a real challenge for even the friendliest of divorced parents to communicate with each other and keep one another up-to-date on all that is going on in their child’s life. If you or someone you know is in that situation, I'm happy to tell you about JointParents.com, a tool that can help parents with  co-parenting, child scheduling, expense tracking, virtual visitation, discussions and even sharing photos.

One parent commented "Using this site helps me stay organized. I now have one place for my child's events, ex's expenses, and all kinds of other important information."

Check it out and if there are any of you using it, please post your comments here.

Source: Kansas Family Law Blog. and Oklahoma Family Law Blog

Divorce with Children - From One House to Two

The decision to leave a marriage, when there are children involved, creates many unsettling questions: Will the kids be okay, how will they handle having two homes, two lives, parents that don’t live together? Will they be angry at me? Am I being selfish by only thinking about myself? The good news is that studies have shown that Divorce isn’t a traumatic event for children. The bad news is that what happens after can be, though it is something in your control. So take the reigns immediately and focus on your children’s transition into this new living situation.

Your job as a parent has always been to care for, protect and love your children at all costs. Your job now, is still that, but with even more emphasis on how much they are loved. Once you accept that, you are ready to focus on the transition of your children having two homes, each that provides a safe environment and a parent figure that loves unconditionally. Here are a few ways you can make the transition into having two homes a little easier.

The goal is to make each house as self-sufficient as possible for your child:

1- The only bag they should have to bring is their school back pack, which they are used to bringing everywhere anyway. Each house should have all the clothes they need for the amount of time they spend there. Even if it means going to the store to buy a whole new set of clothing, do it. It’s a small inconvenience for you, but will assure them this is “home.”

2- They should have a room in each house that they feel safe in. Whether they share a room, or have their own space, let them help you create the space the way they like.

3- Have books, games, computer and video games that they are used to having.

4- Do not try to recreate the old house. Each house does not have to be the same, as little differences will be what make your time and your space, special.

5- Set up routines, just as you did as a larger family and create new ones as well. Often we want to win them over by having fewer rules, yet in fact children flourish with routine. Children need routine and if they’ve always had it, they will need it now more than ever.

6- Have family dinner time. No one ever said “family dinner” had to be a certain amount of people.